I’m something of a voracious reader – no secret there I guess – but once in a while I read something that really makes me stop and think.
Most recently that was an article about the number one thing all men need.
And no, it’s not what you’re thinking.
Yes men are more non-verbal creatures than we women, and physical affection and intimacy is hugely important in making them feel loved. Of course there is also their love language link.
But, according to the author of this particular article the number one thing men need from their partner is…
A safe haven.
Not exactly what you were expecting right?
Despite the society around us telling us that men have greater sexual needs or a greater sexual appetite than women, or that their libido is somehow an indicator of how masculine and happy they are. It’s not, it’s really not.
Sure, renewing your marriage vows through the self-giving gift of physical intimacy is important to the health of your Sacramental marriage.
But as wives, perhaps there’s something more we can be doing to make our husbands feel appreciated, and loved.
We need to help provide a safe haven.
I read once that our home should be a haven, a rest for the world weary family member who enters through the door. I love the sentiment, I really do.
Yet, how often is our home chaos central?
Even as you’re reading this, perhaps in a stolen moment of quiet, are you on alert ready for the next explosive fight between siblings too young to share? Or for the baby to wake and want to feed?
When hubby comes home are you the picture of happy wife lovingly welcoming her husband home or have you spent the last half hour threatening misbehaving children that daddy is going to be home soon?
Maybe your home doesn’t feel like a haven.
Don’t worry – I hear you. Mine’s often far from a haven too. So, I guess I’m suggesting that rather than creating a physical haven for our spouse we can create an emotional, or relational, one.
One of the most common complaints from husbands is that his wife is too unrealistic. Perhaps she’s coming across demanding, or nit picking, or doesn’t appear to appreciate him. This is subjective of course, from his point of view though that doesn’t discount that there may be more than a grain of truth in it.
If he has a problem, or a dilemma, or just simply wants to take refuge does he feel he can turn to his wife? Does our husband feel safe in our company or is he ill at ease?
It’s often hard to hold a mirror up to our own actions, and more so in the family environment. When we’re out in public our behaviour is generally better. But at home, we’re often – on a bad day of course – the worst version of ourself.
And it’s even harder to assess our own treatment of our spouse because we can get bogged down in the idea that we only reacted so poorly in a particular situation because they had been particularly provoking.
Some of that may be true.
But if we’re going to be holy, and not just settle for getting through each day by the skin of our teeth, then we have to make a concerted effort. And that means eliminating from our behaviours the triggers or habits that steal the haven away from our hubby. Otherwise we erode the marital relationship and do each other more harm than good.
Remember, we’re soul mates; we’re helping our spouse get to Heaven. And doing so will, God willing, get us there too.
So how can we provide a safe haven for hubby?
1. Conflict – keep conflict to a minimum by tailoring your discussions to more non-threatening language. Avoid nagging, belittling or dismissing his opinions even if you don’t agree with them. Remember that you love him, even if you don’t like everything that he says or does.
2. Welcome him home – genuinely. Yes, you’ve had a trying day and maybe he has too, but he might look forward to coming home from work each day to see his wife and kids. Be that wife! Don’t greet him at the door with all your dramas from the day.
3. Respect him – do not complain about your husband to anyone else. Period. Yes, it might seem unfair that he doesn’t help around the house and everyone else’s hubby does, but that doesn’t give you the right to describe him as lazy or inconsiderate to your friends and family. If you run him down you’re spreading insults about your husband and undermining your relationship with him.
4. Make time for him – date nights are great, but on their own it’s not enough. Take time each day to pray together and for each other. If hubby needs to talk about something that’s been weighing him down, offer a safe environment for him to voice those concerns and guide him gently. Overreacting or dismissing his concerns will leave him less likely to voice them again.
5. Be the spouse you want him to be – if you want him to be perfect, be perfect yourself! Ok, so no one is perfect, but if you expect him to be generous, understanding and helpful then you’d better model those qualities yourself. Marriage is not a one way street.
And above all, trust and hope in the Lord. No relationship is perfect and we could all use the help. Remember that there are three people in your Sacramental union – and one of them is divine.
Originally posted 2017-03-01 02:21:29.