The Changing Face Of Motherhood

 

We are entering interesting times.

Influential women such as Helen Mirren, Dolly Parton, Julia Gillard and Julie Bishop are the faces of a wave of childless women. These are successful, intelligent women who made a decision not to have children. They are not alone.

There are many successful career women in their late forties and early fifties who are now coming to grips with their childlessness. Some are resigned, some are angry and some blame feminism for giving them false choices. You cannot have it all, they cry, and if you do, you can’t have it all at the same time. Many feel cheated that they put their career first and let the proverbial biological clock run out. And some are yet to give up, trying all sorts of fertility treatments and resorting to expensive options such as IVF, refusing to face the reality that biological motherhood has passed them by.

And that’s one of the reasons that young women are choosing to put children ahead of their career, much to the chagrin of radical feminists. Many have seen the choices this childless wave of women have made and the ensuing consequences, and have made the decision to put children first and leave careers until later in life.

We had a chat to some young women about motherhood and their decision to put family first, in their twenties, and to hold off on any career ambitions at this point in their lives.

Our panel of mums:

• Carmen Price, 24, new Graduate Speech Pathology, mother to Malachi 14 months.
• Vanessa Blood, 26, Home Manager (aka: Stay at home Mother), mother to Elora Anne 7 1/2 months.
• Kylie Darlow, 24, now Home duties but previously Food & Beverage Supervisor, mother to Oscar 7 months.
• Marrissa Garratt, 29, Stay at home mom, mother to Cecilia, 4 Bernadette, 3 and Michael 5 months.

What are your experiences with children?

Carmen:  I always had a lot of exposure to babies and children being from a very large extended family.

Vanessa: I didn’t really have much experience with children until my nephew, Malachi, came into the world about 6 months before Elora was born. So he gave me lots of practice on how to care for children.

Kylie: I am the youngest in the family, I used to babysit but never found much of a connection with children even with my nephew.

Marrissa: My experience with children is from growing up in a large family, I am 2 of 7 kids. Ages 30 – 8. Yes, there is quite an age gap 3 older and four younger. I was 13 when my little sister was born and then came three more, we were helping mom quite a bit and learned a lot about kids along the way.

How did you know you were ready to start a family?

Carmen: When we got married and wanted to be open to life in our marriage. Some marriage advice that we took very seriously was to always keep ‘our top three’ as our top three; being God, spouse then children. It was tempting to make money, education or travel creep into our priorities but we have tried to be faithful to this in our marriage. 

Vanessa: We were married for 2 years before Elora came along, so I had 2 years to prepare myself for motherhood and by the time I fell pregnant, I was very clucky and anxious to start a family. So it was perfect timing I think.

Kylie: I don’t think I was really ready until it happened; there are some things in life you can’t prepare for.

Marrissa: You don’t know when you are ready to start a family, it just comes along with God’s plan of marriage.  I just always knew that one day I wanted to get married and be a mommy.

Some women claim not to feel very maternal and are adamant that they will never have children for that reason. Did you feel maternal before the birth of your first child?

Carmen: I have always felt maternal towards babies and children. I had always imagined myself as a young mother. My friends at school always joked I would be the first to have a baby and they were right.

Vanessa: As I said in the previous question, I was quite clucky whenever I saw babies, so I think that counts as feeling maternal 🙂

Kylie: When I was pregnant with Oscar, I was worried that I would be a bad mother because I have never had much of a connection with children previously. It was not until I held a newborn baby when I was overdue that I felt a connection as a mother.

Marrissa: I have always felt maternal. I think it’s an instinct that all we women possess. 

What has your experience of motherhood been like? Was it what you expected?

Carmen: I have loved being a mother. When I was pregnant I was a little daunted at the thought that I would have a baby before my 23rd birthday, however when he arrived I felt very at peace with my role. As my little man got older and busier I think I found it a little more challenging. There was little down time and lots of mess! Overall I feel very privileged to be a stay at home mother and spend this precious time with my child. I feel very blessed that I have a husband that supports this.

Vanessa: Everyone tries to prepare you for how hard, yet rewarding motherhood is. And no matter how many times I heard it was going to be hard, I never really knew what they meant by that until I became a mother myself. But they were right in that it is rewarding. My experience so far has been quite an experience. We have had many challenges but also many wonderful moments too. I wouldn’t change any of it.

Kylie: Motherhood has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences in my life. I would not change it for anything in the world. Motherhood has exceeded all expectations on many different levels.

How has being a mother changed you?

Carmen: I think I have become more patient, I have become more frugal as running a household on one income can be a challenge in this day and age. I have learnt to think of others more instead of just myself. 

Vanessa: Definitely. It has helped me to become less selfish and more loving.

Kylie: Being a mother has been so busy, I don’t really know if I have changed as a person.

Marrissa: It has made me much more spiritual that is for sure. I’m constantly reminded that I now have these extra little souls entrusted to me and that I have to do all in my power to instruct them well in their faith and keep them away from all the spiritual dangers of this world. 

Feminism has given women more choices. Many women choose to pursue a career first prior to having children and some ultimately, miss out on the chance. What made you decide to have children at this point in your life?

Carmen: Being a mother and wife was always my main priority. I knew before I commenced my university degree that I would complete my degree but my vocation was to be a wife and mother.

Vanessa: I have never been career driven. I have always wanted to be a mother, so I think it was inevitable for me to have children right now, as opposed to pursuing some nonexistent career 🙂

Marrissa: It was my vocation. I could not wait to quit my job and get married.

Are you concerned that you are ‘putting your life on hold’ to have children?

Carmen: It is always tempting to think about what I am missing out on by being a young mother. I see all of my friends living what seems to be from the outside quite exciting lives. However I can’t ignore God’s calling. I feel it’s not right to postpone God’s will because you’re not quite ready. It’s hard to be obedient to this at times but I am truly blessed too being living out my vocation at such a young age.

Vanessa: Not at all… I think I have just started my life by having one!

Kylie: No, I don’t feel like I’m putting my life on hold. It’s giving me the chance to think about what I want to achieve out of life.

Marrissa: No, not at all. They are my life. I could never imagine a day without them in my life. I remember my mother always saying,” Just wait till you have children, and you’ll know the love I’m talking about”.  

Do you think women take for granted the ability to have children, instead of realising that it truly is a gift?

Carmen:   Yes I do believe this. I feel like a lot of women see having children something just to tick off their list, once you have had the career, done the travel, bought the house and car then the children can come. For many this dream is not a reality.

Vanessa: Definitely. There are some women who don’t realise how lucky they are that they have been blessed with a gift from God!

Kylie: Yes, too many couples do take for granted their ability to have children. They continue with their lives saying we will have kids ONE day and when one day comes they realise they have left it too late and end up resorting to other medicinal means of conceiving children.

Marrissa: Yes, I really do. I think people just think it’s that easy to fall pregnant. Not all of us are as blessed in that department, and the older we get the harder I heard it is to fall pregnant.

I had an English teacher in year 12 who lamented that I married young and started a family at 23 – instead of fulfilling my potential first – is this a criticism you have experienced yourself? What would you say in response to this sort of idea?

Carmen: I had many people concerned about me as when I had my baby I still had a semester left of my degree. I think some people thought I was a bit irresponsible or crazy. I would try to explain that family was more important to me than a career and that I would finish my degree. I had a year off to enjoy my baby and I have just finished my degree now. 

Vanessa: I haven’t experienced criticism like this yet. Who says you aren’t fulfilling your potential now as a wife and mother? I believe everything happens for a reason in the perfect time. So regardless of what others think the ‘right’ thing to do is, the perfect thing will always happen when it’s supposed to.

Kylie: It’s not so much the criticism that I have received but more so the questions. For example when are you going back to work? Or what are you going to do with yourself? To be honest if I did so choose to go back to work I would in fact be creating more work for myself than not going to work. I would have 2 jobs, being a mother is a fulltime 24/7 job. That’s plenty of work for one person to deal with. Also it’s not anyone else’s concern; they don’t know what is truly in your heart.

Marrissa: I wouldn’t take any notice of what others had to say about me on this subject had I been in that position, we live in a world that does not understand religion, it’s all about be happy now, who cares about what happens after death. I’d like to do my best bring up my children with the knowledge; think about your vocation first, over occupation. Will God call you to be a priest or religious? Or maybe He wants you to marry and raise a family? Of course, they can be anything they want, but children these days need to have a love for family life and less love of the riches and pleasures of this world. I think that is why women and men are less inclined to marry and have children these days. 

Are there any final thoughts on motherhood that you would like to share?

Carmen: I feel like mothers are under enormous pressure to put their child into care and get back to work. I know that I feel that pressure from others and also from myself. There are certainly sacrifices with being a stay at home mum but there are also sacrifices being a working mum. I would rather my sacrifice to be financial rather than missing out on time with my child. Motherhood is not easy however it is such a blessing and a responsibility to be able to nurture and teach your child. It is a daily challenge to seek holiness in everyday life of being a wife and mother and one that I will continue to strive for all my life. However this is so important not only for my own salvation but also for my responsibility of showing my child the path to heaven.

Marrissa: Yes, motherhood is a beautiful gift. I feel so blessed to have been given this special life. It is full of love and self sacrifice, and you know that you are contributing to society by bring up the next generation of good people in the world and most important of all, souls for heaven! God bless all us mothers…the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world!   

 

 Previously published in ave maria

 

 

 

 

Originally posted 2015-11-18 03:22:25.