I have been a mum now for almost 7 years (where did that time go?) and I’ve met and spoken to a lot of mums, in those years in particular, and I’m beginning to wonder if there are four mothering styles. You see, we don’t all approach our role and vocation as mother in the same way, which has a lot to do with our temperament, love language and our procedural memories (if you have no idea what I’m talking about check out the post here) and yet I’m beginning to postulate a theory about mothers in the same way that we have a dominant temperament, I believe we have a dominant motherhood style as well.
Hear me out. I’m not crazy, I’ve just noticed that mothers, new mums in particular, approach the vocation of maternity in similar ways despite all of the external influences.
These are, in my opinion, the four mothers:
The romantic mum (predominantly melancholic) – this mum loves the idea of baby. When she’s pregnant she’s dreamy and moony and can’t wait to snuggle baby in her arms. The unpleasant aspects of pregnancy are disconcerting and labour is a violent shock for this mum. She will get the baby blues on day 3 and cry all day. As a new mum she’s over attentive to baby’s needs and picks them up at the slightest noise. She wants baby by her side all the time because she likes having them there. She will even sleep baby in the living area while she undertakes chores just so she can hear them breathing.
She will worry about her weight gain and will try to get back into a fitness regime quicker than other mums because she needs to be in her best physical shape so that baby is given the best of her.
She will let other people hold baby, but not for very long and only if she’s ok with that person’s ability to undertake such a responsibility. She is in love with being a mum and with her baby of course and each new stage, and its challenges, is confronting for her especially when baby becomes mobile and begins to hurt themselves with frightening regularity. She wants to protect baby all of the time from everything that could possibly hurt them. She’s fierce and protective and unabashedly loyal.
She’s also a worrier and each time baby is unsettled she will begin imagining that there is something really wrong with them even though their discomfort may only be caused by something minor. She reflects often on the vocation of motherhood and the beauty of her vocation.
The laidback mum (predominantly phlegmatic) – this mum takes everything in her stride. Yes, elements of pregnancy and labour are less than ideal but she’s not the first to do it and it’s all worth it in the end. She is unfazed by the mess, muck and cries of her baby and doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the piles of washing. If she doesn’t feel like cooking, or cleaning, she doesn’t feel guilty about it. She is able to take time out and slow down the pace of life to meet her family’s requirements.
She doesn’t fuss about getting her pre-baby body back, that’ll happen in time, and a haircut? Why bother if you can just tie it back in a ponytail?
She doesn’t mind if baby doesn’t have a set routine, and is flexible with baby’s needs. If she’s short a few clean jumpsuits she’ll dress baby in clothes designed for the opposite gender and neglects to check that her nappy bag is restocked before leaving the house. She’s been caught short without a spare nappy or clean jumpsuit but if it happens she’s not afraid to ask for help.
She’s not one to impress routines or rigidity for baby and sleepless nights are generally a part of her life but she knows they won’t last for ever and that one day she’ll get more than 3 hours sleep at a time.
She is a little bit slower to act if something is seriously wrong, but not excessively slow. She loves baby dearly and if she feels like having a cuddle instead of doing the dishes, that’s what she’ll do. When others see her she gives the most beautiful impression of being a ‘natural mum’.
The by the book mum (predominantly choleric) – this mum has read everything there is to know on the subject of babies and has particular opinions to raising children. Though she tried to be helpful she can come across as combative when expressing her views. If pregnancy or labour do not go according to her script and she feels out of control she becomes stressed.
Her baby blues are more a day of irritability and in hospital she’s already trying to get baby to adhere to a routine. She will be on time for all child and maternal health clinic visits and vaccinations.
She has a tendency to take on too much and become a ‘supermum’ intent on having an immaculately tidy house, baby in a routine and all her other side projects completed to perfection too. She does not allow herself time to recover fully after baby, rushing headlong into motherhood and trying to be a perfectionist. She loves baby but gets caught up in the idea of being a perfect mum and doesn’t spend as much quality time with her children as other mums do. She is also likely to return to work at a scheduled time after baby regardless of other influences.
She plans, thinks and overthinks things. She always appears immaculately groomed and her nappy bag is always well stocked. Though she presents a great exterior she is unlikely to accept help when she needs it and her unrealistic expectations make her a little more susceptible to post natal depression.
But she is passionate and devoted to her children and will make the best decisions for them in terms of schooling and faith.
The overwhelmed mum (predominantly sanguine) – she never thought morning sickness would last so long or that labour would be so painful. And now the baby’s here and the novelty of feeding, changing nappies and swaddling baby for sleep is wearing off.
She doesn’t get anything done, at all, and accepts any and all offers of help and isn’t afraid to voice her inability to cope with these new challenges. She will get there, but persevering doesn’t come naturally to her so the whole baby thing has come as a really, enormously, steep learning curve. And did I mention it was unending?
She’s more likely to cut corners and leave things until the last minute. She’s more likely to forget the nappy bag altogether than check if its restocked and she’d rather be out at a mums group or having coffee with friends than at home with baby all day. Yes, the housework suffers as a result but, then again, she probably wasn’t the best housekeeper to begin with.
She’ll happily leave baby with a sitter to go have a haircut or go shopping because she needs some me time. She spends a lot of time visiting with, or hosting, family and friends and her children will also experience a strong sense of community in their lives.
Everything becomes too hard for this mum, but deep down she knows that she’d rather be in this situation than not have had her baby in the first place. She is a fun mum, doesn’t worry too much about routine and wants her children to remember her as being a fun and involved mum.
What do you think? Have I got it right and if so, which mum are you? I know which one I am, can you guess?
Originally posted 2015-03-05 22:09:38.