What makes a marriage work? What makes a strong marriage between husband and wife? John Gottman, Professor of Psychology at University of Washington, a very well-known marriage therapist and author of several books including ‘Why Marriages Succeed or Fail’, has done amazing work and research on marriage over the last few decades and has identified four key problems that lead to divorce.
He calls them the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These four issues include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Although many of us believe that anger is the root cause of unhappy relationships, Gottman notes that it is not conflict itself that is the problem, but how we handle it. Venting anger constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance.
However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterized by the presence of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It is very important to learn how to manage issues well and not necessarily make them disappear. Most conflicts in relationships revolve around how the couple relates to one another.
Criticism:
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the rubbish bins” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the bins. You’re just so irresponsible.”
In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict. Avoid blaming and using ‘YOU’ statements. If your husband hears criticism then he will have a harder time processing what you have to say. The immediate reaction will be to close himself up and to think of an excuse or defence.
- Try a complaint instead of a criticism.
- Use I feel, I felt and describe the feeling and the impact it has on you instead of using “You never,” “you always.”
Example: I felt disappointed you did not call me to say you had another unscheduled meeting because we were all looking forward to having dinner together tonight.
I am upset that … (situation)…
I need to let you know…..
Contempt:
Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your spouse, making them feel inferior as a result. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humour”.
- Stop verbal expressions of contempt because they destroy love. Show some appreciation for your spouse. Focus on the good things he has done and less on what you didn’t like.
- Use “Daily affirmations tools” instead.
Example: ‘I love the way you have been helping to look after the kids, particularly in the evenings when I am tired.’
Defensiveness:
Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help your relationship. When a person is on the defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness. This very often can be a result of our pride!!
- Acknowledge some responsibility even if small… say “I understand how you feel…” It takes a lot of humility to actually admit we may have contributed to the argument.
Stonewalling:
People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to your marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems.
- Self-soothing using relaxation techniques can work well if you are feeling tense or uptight with a situation. Walk, listen to music or take some deep breaths before diving into the issue. Make sure you tell your spouse that you need time to cool off and make a time to come back to the issue.
I have found that engaging in a deep discussion late at night is a bad idea! (For us at least!) When my husband and I are exhausted from the day, our conversation is often unproductive and we can even end up hurting one another through attacks or comments which were unintended. I have found that if an issue needs discussing, we will now wait until both have had time to think about it and are ready to discuss it over lunch or out for a walk.
Some days, showing love and affection to our spouse is easy, and at other times we need to make that little extra effort to keep the love alive in our marriage. When in doubt or facing challenging issues, try always to focus on the good and see the strengths in your loved one.
It is worth it!
References:
John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalpse
Originally posted 2014-08-11 22:23:36.
Good article Jill! Its great to see your perspective backed up with evidence from a study. I enjoyed reading it and might even try to get the husband to read it too!