In the wake of the release of the film ‘The ugly truth’ in a few years ago, starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler, I looked in to the different ways that men and women approach relationships.
Men and women think and act differently. There is no denying it. Yet an ongoing problem in our society, particularly in our relationships is how to navigate through these differences and achieve some sort of equilibrium between the sexes.
So why do men and women approach and expect different things in relationships with the other sex?
Back to the beginning
Pope John Paul II”s ‘Theology of the Body’, the understanding of human sexuality begins with the creation accounts in the first two chapters of Genesis. Certainly, we all know the story of Adam and Eve, but these chapters reveal many truths about our human sexuality and why we are the way we are.
First of all, the fundamental truth is that God made us in his image and chose to make us male and female. He made us equal and complementary, so that we could be made one flesh through the intimate union of marriage.
It is through our coming together as male and female that we discover the real image of God. Therefore it is not just in our individuality that we are made in God’s image, but also in our union. As we become one body, one flesh, in marriage we reveal God’s image and likeness in a more complete way. We are one body made up of two parts, masculinity and femininity.
When we talk about masculinity and femininity in relation to the one body, or one flesh we assign to each part a particular image. For masculinity it is the head, and femininity the heart.
The reason we do so is that in each of the sexes there is a primacy of either the head; representing a more analytical and rational based decision making process, or the heart; representing a more emotional based decision making process.
Verbal communication
Just as men and women are different in their very make up and sexuality, they also communicate in different ways. In the days of an honourable courtship a couple will spend much time getting to know each other and verbal communication is a large part of this. The closeness that results leads women to expect that it will continue into their engagement and marriage.
Men tend to see verbal communication as way of conveying information and they don’t consider that talking is an essential part of friendship. In relationships with other men, they chose friends that they can do things with, like playing cricket or watching the footy.
Women, on the other hand, like to be emotionally intimate through conversation. They see verbal communication as being the very cornerstone of a good relationship.
Women feel that there is an inherent closeness in sharing one’s thoughts, feelings and emotions with others. So just as they feel close to those they converse with they expect that in marriage their husband will communicate with them in this way also.
Women also like to share their troubles verbally. They are not looking to have their problems solved for them, rather they just want an attentive and sympathetic ear. At the same time they are also inviting the listener to reciprocate by sharing some of their troubles with her.
However, men see this unloading of troubles as an invitation for them to offer advice or a solution to the problem and have trouble understanding why women get angry or upset when they offer their solution.
Husbands often admit that their wives complain about the same things over and over again and seem unable to resolve the problem and that they appear not to pay any attention to his advice.
Even the way men and women listen in conversations differs. Women tend to make more ‘listener noise, such as “mhm”, “uhuh”, and “yeah” to show “I’m with you”’[2] whereas men tend to give silent attention. Women perceive men’s silent attention as no attention at all, and men consider women ‘listener noise’ as interruption and a lack of attention.
Non Verbal communication
Men, being more prone to action prefer non verbal communication. Thus it stands to reason that when it comes to relationships men just want to do things together. Being able to share activities and affection is the way they prefer to show their love.
The most common way in which they like to express their love is through body language, affection and physical intimacy.
After an honourable courtship where purity and chastity are the name of the game, in marriage men are provided with more scope to express their love through a physical intimacy that was not previously present in their relationship.
Husbands feel most loved when their wives are physically affectionate and intimate. The epitome of their innermost feelings of love for their wives are expressed through physical intimacy, particularly through sexual intercourse.
When their wife avoids making love to them, they feel rejected and unloved and take this as a very personal rejection because they feel closest to their wives through their physical intimacy.
Women, on the other hand, see physical affection and intimacy as a way of celebrating the intimacy that is already accomplished through verbal communication. In essence, wives who feel emotionally close to their husbands as a result of their verbal communication are more affectionate and attuned to the physical needs of their relationship. Wives who feel distant from their husbands because of the lack of verbal communication in their marriage, will be less inclined to be physically intimate and will avoid affection until they feel close.
On the flip side, husbands who enjoy a healthy physical relationship with their wives will often respond by opening up more verbally. A husband who feels rejected in his advances for physical closeness will draw into himself and be even less inclined to enter into effective verbal communication with his wife.
Maintaining effective relationships
So then, what is the secret to a good relationship, particularly marriage? Loving the other the way they need to be loved. Sounds simple right? Well, in essence it is. In practice, things can be a little more difficult to maintain.
The important thing to keep in mind is the harm that we can do in our relationships by denying our spouse what they need to feel loved.
Individually this will often mean that we need to make time to do what the other requires of us, despite the fact that we might not feel like it at the time. It all comes back to the ideal spousal love, the self-sacrificing love that places the other’s happiness above our own.
[2] (Lynette Hirschman as quoted in Sex, Lies and Conversation)
Originally posted 2013-11-05 03:00:23.