One of the best compliments I have ever received is this: ‘Your children have beautiful manners.’ It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to jump in the air, like they do in the car commercials, and scream ‘hooray’. Because, let’s face it, it means that your effort is paying off!
As much as I would like to bask in the glow of this comment I know that my children’s behaviour can be balanced on scales though I’m not sure to an equal degree. By this I mean that for every compliment about good manners there’s plenty of instances where manners have disappeared altogether. These instances are generally at home and to me so I’m trying not to take it to personally, I mean, I haven’t done anything to offend the aforementioned manners and one day I hope we’ll be back on speaking terms.
Now I can’t say that our approach to teaching manners is any different to anyone else’s except I would suggest that I have pretty high standards – it’s my perfectionist choleric nature. To that end the advice I would give is simply this: persevere, and be fair.
Prompt, repeat and reward
It feels like an uphill battle at times but continue to prompt please and thank you. We also encourage no thank you and excuse me. We use pardon me as well and this is one our two year old has down pat. After a burp she will say pardon me, except it comes out like ‘pugger me’ which sounds too much like ‘bugger me’ for my liking!
We also make a big deal of good manners and if our children use them without prompting we generally affirm them verbally for having lovely manners. For instance a child who says ‘Excuse me Mum,’ and then waits patiently to tell you something, should be rewarded because a). they have remembered to use their manners in the first place and b). they’re waiting patiently which we all know is hard to do!
Model manners yourself
If you want your children to have lovely manners, you also need to demonstrate this. Often as parents and spouses it’s too easy to request things of each other without using manners because we’re so comfortable but whether it’s asking for the salt and pepper or for items to be picked up off the floor we too should practice what we preach.
Explain and reinforce
It’s also really helpful to explain in children’s terms that manners are a way of showing our respect for other people and ourselves. If children can understand why we use manners then it’s easier to teach them because they are more willing to be led.
It’s also important to explain to family and caregivers what your expectation of your children’s manners are and that you would like them to help you reinforce this when the children are with them or in their care.
As I said before, perseverance is crucial, but so are realistic expectations. Two year olds are hardly going to have fantastic manners, even five year olds struggle, so remember to be patient, to prompt gently and to lead by example. And try not to look so shocked when you receive the first compliment on your children’s manners!
Originally posted 2014-05-06 03:16:21.