Just recently, my almost three-year old son asked me for a chocolate from the pantry. Seeing it was just past 7am, I explained that it is not a good habit to eat chocolate so early in the morning. His voice quickly escalated three pitches higher and in a shaky tone he said “PLEASE MUMMY I really ‘NEED’ this chocolate now.” Once again I resorted to calmly reasoning with him, but by mid-sentence all hell broke loose and it was no longer a civilized conversation! The tears came pouring down his face, not to mention intense body shaking and foot stomping! I stood back for a moment, in partial disbelief and also amazement at what had become of the situation in less than a minute!
I am slightly embarrassed to admit that prior to have my own kids, I was one of those mothers who would step back and glance at the parent whose child was having a tantrum in the supermarket. I was naïve enough to assume tantrums were a result of ‘bad parenting’. Oh boy! Was I wrong!
I’m sure we have all heard of those phrases ‘terrible twos’ or terrible ‘threes’ and for those of us who have toddlers, surviving and dealing with tantrums during these stages can be tricky and leave us at wits end.
I am no expert when it comes to dealing with tantrums but hopefully some of these technique and strategies might be of help to you.
Depending on the age of your child, you will find that certain techniques work better than others. For example, distraction at the moment works best with my 18 month old and at times ignoring her and walking away is the solution. With my three-year old however, reasoning and a more gentle approach is the way to go!
Each child has a different temperament and this can influence how emotional they become when feeling frustrated. You can check your child’s temperament by viewing our article: “Guide to the temperaments”.
Some ways to avoid or reduce a tantrum:
Look for the cause:
Be aware if your child is stressed, hungry, tired or overstimulated. There are also certain situations such as going shopping, visiting friends or mealtimes which might frequently involve temper tantrums. Think of ways to make these events easier on your child. For example, you could avoid grocery shopping around nap time. Ensure your child is well fed before going out, or bring her some snacks.
Stay calm:
Even though our first tendency may to become angry or irritated with our child during a tantrum, it could possibly make the situation worse. Try to reason with your child, asking him what the problem is or ‘what do you want mummy to do?’ Keep a calm, level tone as this will help your child to relax a little. I also find presenting one positive option can be beneficial. For example: “we cannot go to the park now but I am going to show you something really exciting in my cupboard”. Once your child is distracted out of the tantrum it is easier to reason with her.
Red, purple, blue, green… (beware of coloured, sugary foods):
I do find that giving my children sweet, sugary foods such as lollies, chocolate and cordial can make them become hyperactive. Also, be aware of caffeine in drinks (soft drinks) as this too can hype kids up for hours (no parent wants this)! If my children are asking for a treat, I will try to give them a variety of mixed dried fruit in a bowl. I have started calling this bowl your ‘treat bowl’. This makes them excited to search through their bowl and find dried apricot pieces, sultanas, cheese cubes etc. If your children have consumed a lot of sugary foods for the day, also try to give them plenty of water to drink.
Listen to your child:
Often, what your little one wants is probably a little reassurance “what is the matter, darling – tell mummy…”. Try to keep your patience (even though at times it may be difficult, particularly if other children demanding your attention at that moment). Try to imagine how frustrated your child must be getting by not being able to articulate his feelings. To show you have understood your child, repeat back what they have said such as ‘I know you are upset that all your blocks fell down, let’s build it up again together’ or something similar.
Is it a big deal or petty issue?
Try not to worry too much about the little issues or fuss your child makes. My husband and I like to save our energy for the things that do matter. We tend to keep rules and be strict with our children when it comes to safety. (seat belts in the car, water safety etc.). you can allow your child a little independence on small things, which can help him to feel in control of certain situations. Some mornings, I will let my boy choose his outfit for the day. If he chooses to wear yellow socks even though they do not match his outfit, I try not to make a big deal out of it! This way, they will hopefully become more flexible on the things that do matter.
Yes! It can be embarrassing
It can be difficult to consider your child’s feelings when she performs a tantrum in public. Try not to yell back, avoid smacking and try not to resort to giving in because you feel embarrassed or ashamed at what your child is doing (for all you know, there may be another child in the next isle of the supermarket doing the same thing!). The best thing would probably be to scoop up your child and leave of the situation is getting to be too stressful for both of you.
Wait out the tantrum:
Sometimes it is best to just wait until your child has calmed down again. If they are not listening to your reasoning or screaming over the top of your voice you may simply have to ignore the behaviour until it stops. If the tantrum is in full swing, it may be difficult to reason and distract them. Wait until the tantrum has subsided before you begin reasoning or distraction.
Reward good behaviour:
Enthusiastically praise your child when he manages frustration well. For example: “Well done for being such a good girl and listening to Mummy”.
As your child gets older, there will be fewer tantrums, and hopefully they will be less intense. When your child is able to effectively communicate his needs, he is likely to be less frustrated.
Remember: don’t judge yourself as a parent based on how many tantrums your child has! Remember that all children have tantrums. Instead, focus on how you respond in that moment. Lots of positive encouragement usually works well with young children.
Do you have any comments or helpful tips on managing toddler tantrums? Please share them with us in the comments sections below!
Originally posted 2013-12-06 10:16:25.