Sometimes you may wonder how one sibling differs so much from another! Even though we are all born with different personalities and temperaments, you may still get a sweet, delightful and easygoing child in the family and another child who is also gorgeous but may constantly be pushing at your buttons!!
Identifying Triggers
What makes your child tick? What pushes his or her buttons? The events that occur before a behavior and bring on that behaviour of your child are called ‘triggers’. For example, if your child has suddenly become upset, it may be that another child has taken their toy away. It is important to know what sets off your child so that you can avoid certain behaviours.
Consequences of Behaviour
If a behaviour results in a positive consequence, it is likely that the behavior will occur again more in the future. If you constantly praise your child for having good manners, they are likely to repeat their actions and keep up their good manners.
If a behaviour results in a negative consequence, the behaviour is less likely to occur again in the future. For example, if a child misbehaves in school, the teacher may shorten their playtime. Their unpleasant behaviour is less likely to occur in future to avoid this happening to them again.
Strengthening Desirable Behaviours
Each and every child will possess certain strengths and it is important that we acknowledge these strengths and build on them where possible. To do this, make sure the trigger occurs as much as possible. Let’s say that your child dresses themselves well when their clothes are laid out for them. You can help them practice this skill by laying out their clothes as much as possible.
The more opportunities a child has to practice a skill, the better he will become at it. Give your child lots of labelled praise for completing a given task… “Well done for dressing yourself this morning”. Your child will be more likely to repeat this good behaviour again.
IS GIVING YOUR CHILD ATTENTION ALWAYS GOOD?
Weakening Undesirable Behaviours
Giving your child attention can be a very powerful consequence. However, if your child has been getting attention for bad behaviour, for example, “Johnny, I said to stop whining…stop that noise…stop whining!” the child may actually be continuing that behaviour simply to gain attention from the parent. Instead, you may try this approach; “Johnny, I have said to stop that whining…mummy is not going to listen to that anymore.” Turn away from the child and continue to ignore this behaviour. If the child follows you and continues whining, make it obvious that you are disinterested by physically turning away and avoiding eye contact.
This approach is known as ‘planned ignoring’ and can be extremely effective if followed through by the parent. It is important to realize that you must not give in to your child at any point, unless the behaviour of the child is becoming too disruptive or violent. You may find that bad behaviour may worsen before it gets better. Your child will try hard to get your attention back! Often, once your child realizes they aren’t getting any attention for their particular behaviour, they will get bored of seeking your attention through that means and are likely to stop.
Remember: pay lots of attention to your child when he behaves well and keep attention to a minimum when the child behaves badly.
How to deal with disruptive or violent behaviour?
QUIET TIME (this is not time out)
I remember becoming quite upset when my 3 year old son would be rough or even violent around siblings or friends. Unfortunately becoming rough or violent can be a way for a child to express himself or simply seek your attention.
Recently, we learnt a method called ‘quiet time’. Giving your child quiet time is in no way punishment but simply used to resettle the child and stop the inappropriate behaviour from continuing.
Before implementing quiet time, your child needs to know how it works. You may like to practice with their soft toys/ dolls by putting them into quiet time in a role play. Once you have taken your child through the method step by step, they will be aware of how it works.
IMPORTANT: Quiet time goes for approximately 30 seconds to 1 minute. They may join the rest of the family again as soon as they are calm.
Scenario: your child’s behaviour is becoming very disruptive due to losing a game. The child has been warned that he will go in to quiet time if his behaviour does not stop. The child continues to misbehave.
- Johnny, I have asked you to stop shouting and being disruptive, you are going into quiet time (always to be said in a calm voice).
- Calmly lead the child by his hand into a place away from the family, such as a quiet corner of the house. It does not matter if he can still see you.
- Leave the child there for a minute until he is settled.
If the child settles, you can ask him to come out of quiet time and play with the rest of the family again. You might like to praise him for calming down quickly.
TIME OUT (used when the child does not settle with just ‘quiet time’)
Time out is used when your child has been put in quiet time and still refuses to settle.
Time out is usually carried out in a safe room (where the child cannot destroy or do anything dangerous), away from the rest of the family. No attention is to be given to the child while in time out.
IMPORTANT: Time out goes for 2-5 minutes from the time the child stops shouting/ crying/ having a tantrum.
- Johnny, you have not settled down in quiet time, you are now going to time out (said in a calm voice).
- Lead the child by the hand or carry him if necessary to the room.
- Wait for the child to stop any form of noise before setting the timer for 2-5 minutes, depending on the age of the child. Generally, it is 2 minutes for a two year old, 3 minutes for a three year old etc. No more than 5 minutes.
Because you have already laid the foundations of this method, your child would have witnessed a role play with his soft toys and therefore he would understand what happens in time out. He will know that his 2 minutes only starts once he has stopped shouting etc.
When in time out, do not speak or give any attention to the child. Even if the child does not appear to be settling. You may be tempted to say “I have asked you to be quiet now that you are in time out…etc.” This is not necessary as the child will actually settle more quickly when given zero attention. Remember, even negative attention towards the child is still a form of attention!
My husband and I found implementing these strategies a very positive way of settling our children’s disruptive behaviours and tantrums. Instead of raising our voice, we now have a specific method we use which works well for us. Of course, it is always best to encourage your children in a positive way first; but if you can see that your child is still not able to settle you might like to try out ‘quiet time’.
Good luck!
Originally posted 2014-10-06 22:20:34.