Why is it that we are so quick to judge other parenting styles? Even when we don’t mean to, we often put across our own preferred method whilst tearing down another which someone else has found effective. It is almost as though we feel threatened by difference here instead of discussing the pros and cons of each style in a more measured way.
So why are we so quick to judge? Well, I believe there are a few reasons:
First of all we have to understand why it is that we parent the way that we do. In essence we parent either as a direct and conscious opposite manner to the way that our parents raised us or as a subconscious affirmation of what our parents did. This latter parenting approach is one that actually affects us all, whether we like it or not, and even if we are consciously trying to avoid the perceived mistakes of our parent’s approach. How many times have we thought: I sounded just like my mother then? Or did I just say what Mum always said to me?
The truth is we have created in our brain a procedural memory which is what we create for something like riding a bike, or swimming. In this instance we create a procedural memory of the way that parenting is done. For example my mother never allowed us to sleep in her bed, ever. My mother-in-law, however, had several of her children sleep in her bed at various stages in their childhood for different reasons. Now, I’m not saying that either way is wrong necessarily but in my brain I had created a procedural memory that children did not sleep in their parent’s bed for any reason and as a result I thought my mother-in-law was a bit mad. (For more on this idea of procedural memories visit this link.
So basically, our procedural memories from our own childhood make us prone to judge or dismiss other parenting approaches that do not mesh with our preferred methods. This is also why our own parents and in laws might have trouble accepting our parenting approach. They are not deliberately judging us and it’s a good idea that we keep that in mind.
How we react to our children in given situations is often how our parents reacted to us in the same circumstances. If your mother was very hands on and affectionate, chances are you will be too. If your mother was more detached then you will likely be that way. Unless of course, you make a conscious effort to parent differently and keep at it.
Ok, so procedural memories play a part in our parenting and so does our temperament. Choleric mothers are more likely to value organisation (yep, that’s me), melancholic mothers will spend long stretches evaluating negatively their own attempts at parenthood, phlegmatic mothers take it all in their stride and don’t stress out at all, sanguine mothers are always out with their children and fill up their week with mums and bubs groups, coffee with other mums, exercise with other mums…you get the point. So when these temperaments meet there can be a lot of misunderstanding between other’s perceived priorities and contentment in their vocation. To learn more about your temperaments click here.
And finally, our love language will also play a big role in how we relate to, not only or spouse, but our children as well. My love language is quality time so I’m always trying to find activities to do with my kids but I’m less responsive to their physical affection needs (being my least fluent love language) and I can get to the end of the day and feel completely ‘touched out’ and hankering for some personal space. Words of affirmation are fantastic; I love the spontaneous declarations of love from my children. Gifts we do to a much smaller degree, and they’re generally handmade, but some mums (think grandmothers!!) are big on giving presents to their loved ones and others prefer to undertake acts of service. We all show our love differently, primarily, but it’s also a good thing to remember that our children actually require love communicated through all of the five languages even though they, like us, have a primary language. To learn more about the five love languages click here.
So when you are reading or listening to some one’s thoughts on another parenting style try to evaluate what it is about that method that irks you. Is it because of your procedural memory, your temperament or your primary love language? Most of the time one, if not all, of these will be a factor in your judgment on another style. Occasionally the parenting method, or lack thereof, might be more of a neglectful or detrimental kind, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given was actually from my mother-in-law who told me to listen patiently to other’s opinions, thank them for their advice, but do what’s right for my family regardless. Different approaches work for different families, no one is doing it the wrong way, just their own way and if you’re putting what’s best for your kids first, then you’re doing a great job. So keep on keeping on!
Originally posted 2014-08-07 04:19:40.