I don’t know about your kids but mine fight over the silliest things, and as a parent with as little patience as I possess, this can be frustratingly regular. And yet, fighting is natural, age appropriate response so I began to consider what the silver lining of my children’s fighting might be.
Here are my thoughts, but please feel free to comment below to add your thoughts, suggestions and experiences!
Children learn skills to resolve conflict
Although our first impulse might be to run and break up a fight, try to negotiate some terms we consider fair, often it’s actually helpful to delay that impulse. Why? Because if we consistently run to intervene in every fight or argument that occurs in our house, our children will learn to resolve their own disagreements via a third party.
Now, I’m not saying that you should let fights get out of control or escalate beyond reconciliation but rather that you discern when you need to intervene and assist them in finding a solution and when you can wait and give them an opportunity to try and resolve the situation themselves.
Recently my children were outside arguing over who’s turn it was to ride a particular trike (we have more than enough trikes, bikes and scooters but as you know, the one some one else has is far more attractive). Instead of rushing outside to intervene, I finished loading the dishwasher in the kitchen, listening carefully to what was happening outside.
To my amazement and frankly, my delight, after some negotiation between themselves, Master 6 generously offered to share the trike with Miss 2 and rode her around the patio. Crisis averted, and mutually beneficial result.
Parents learn to assist
One of the things we do as parents if often rush to dispense justice as we see fit. Older children often lose out a little as we expect them to wait their turn more than our younger children who are less capable of turn taking and this can often lead to protestations of ‘that’s unfair!’ by our older children.
I must admit that some months ago I found my children becoming more reactionary to my dispensation of justice and moderation of their disagreements and at first I couldn’t really understand what that was all about. But slowly and surely I realised that in intervening in their arguments I was not allowing them to contribute their ideas to a workable solution. I might have been explaining that they needed to share and that the younger children weren’t as good at taking turns, but I always stipulated what would happen after this point.
When sharing came under the spotlight again when Miss 2 was using a pencil that Master 6 wanted, a couple of days ago, instead of intervening in a direct manner I simply posed this question to Master 6: ‘What do you think we should do about this?’
Master 6 paused before saying, ‘I will let Miss 2 have a turn first because she is littler than me and isn’t as good at sharing.’ And Miss 2 used the pencil for about 15 seconds before she handed it nicely over to her big brother.
In asking a few, simple and calm questions the situation was resolved and Master 6 felt that we had arrived at a fair solution and that he had made a valuable contribution.
Parents learn when to intervene
What I have outlined is all well and good in some instances but in others it is both necessary and critical to intervene as a parent. In our house deliberately hurting some one else is an automatic time out – which is used as both a punishment and an opportunity to calm down – and requires adult intervention and assistance in resolving this issue.
When an argument escalates to violence, or yelling and name calling, or a tantrum, we intervene and dispense the appropriate justice and discipline.
We learn that all fighting is not all bad
Fighting does not sound like something that we should encourage but I have found myself saying this phrase to my children: ‘We only fight for important things.’
You might be wondering why I would be encouraging fighting in any way but you see, I don’t want to raise children who are so against fighting that they are extreme pacifists and will not stand up for our faith and morals if and when the time comes. I want my children to be able to make the distinction between fights that are unnecessary like arguing over turns on trikes and using the favourite pencil and fights that are necessary like standing up for the true definition of marriage and the right to life of unborn babies.
I want to raise faith filled adults who, were they ever in the position, they would see becoming a martyr as being an honour and a true act of faith. I do not pray for the crown of martyrdom for my children, sanctity yes, but I do pray that if God wills it, my children will stand by Him and not renounce their faith.
And so, whilst I might roll my eyes skyward when I hear my children fighting over who’s going to wear the fairy costume, or who’s going to hop out of the bath first, I know that this will all pass but before it does I have an opportunity to help them learn and use conflict resolution skills effectively, to discern between necessary and unnecessary fights and to be ready to fight for truth and justice in a world that it sadly lacking it.
Originally posted 2014-10-20 22:09:22.