I decided to write this article because I have been using the ‘time out’ disciplinary method for a little while now and I have found it very effective. I also heard the complaints and concerns of other mother’s who have ‘tried’ the timeout method and found it didn’t work. After further discussion I found the way they do time out is very different to the method I use.
So I thought I would share the way we do it in our home.
If you’ve watched the hit parenting show “Super Nanny” or the more recent version “Extreme Parental Guidance – with Jo Frost”, you will find that she also uses time out as her disciplinary method. It works successfully with some of the most troublesome cases. I only recently watched an episode and was pleased and surprised to find that the way we do time out is almost identical! This shows that it is a really effective method.
The Method:
Scenario A:
A two year old child who keeps pulling the washing of the indoor clothes line.
This can be a challenge in a lot of families, this may not seem like a ‘big deal,’ but when it happens over and over it can become rather frustrating for parents or for Mum at home. Something as simple as this can result in a parent getting frustrated and ‘lashing’ out. When all you may need is a simple discipline strategy.
Here is how you COULD handle it using the Time Out method:
Little Eddie is pulling clothes off line and dropping them on the ground:
First: Get his attention and be clear about what you DON’T want:
“Eddie! Stop. Please DO NOT pull the clothes off the line.”
Second: Reasoning and explanation, (keep brief for younger children):
“Eddie, please don’t pull the clothes off the line. I hung these clothes up so that they will dry, they are not going to dry if you are dropping them on the floor.”
Third: Now be clear about what you DO want:
(for younger children you may need to repeat yourself a few times, and use hand gestures and pointing to help them to grasp what it is that you WANT)
Tip: Always finish with positive language, when giving your final instruction avoid saying “do not”
“Now I am going to hang these clothes back up, so please do not touch them again okay? LEAVE the clothes alone. No more touching or dropping. You are to leave the clothes alone. Do you understand?”
(if the children are capable, you could ask them to re-hang the clothes)
The Warning:
You can choose to give your first or final warning now, depending on whether you feel they need a little more time to grasp the situation or if this is a repeat offense.
If you want to give them another chance, leave them and see if they do it again. If they do; repeat the 3 step sequence and add the warning on the end.
OR
You can choose to add the warning on the end now.
How to do the Warning:
(you can chose to say “I’m going to give you a warning” before this sentence or you can just say the following)
“Eddie, If you pull the clothes off the line and drop them on the ground again, you will go to time out. Do you understand? (you can repeat again). If you pull the clothes off the line and drop them on the ground, you will go to time out. Do you understand? (when they are old enough make sure they say ‘yes’ otherwise they must be looking at you and listening)
You can add:
“Good. Please leave the clothes alone. Now come and lets do this…”
If you can, it would be wise to divert their attention to something else, especially young children. If this is not an option, wait and see what happens – and if you need to put them in time out. This is how you do it.
Actually Using Time Out:
So Eddie decides regardless of your efforts to distract or otherwise, to pull the clothes off the line again!
“Eddie, go to time out! I told you NOT to pull the clothes off the line. I said to leave them. Because you did not listen and you did not leave the clothes. You are going to time out”
Make sure you are very CLEAR on why are they going to time out.
You can either pick them up and take them to time out immediately (do not dawdle). Or if they are old enough they can walk. If they don’t go either pick them up and take them or use Plan B (see below).
Rules:
Have a time out spot. For young children who aren’t likely to stay put, you can use their cots. I initially thought this would create ‘negative associations’ with bed, but it didn’t in the slightest. We used their cots until they were about 2 years old. Then we had a time out ‘corner.’ The idea is to create some measure of ‘discomfort’ so that the child will not like time out and not want to go back. So in doing this, what I do is create isolation. By putting them in their cot and closing the door. Or putting them in the corner and making them face the wall.
Some people determine the amount of time spent in time out according to how many years old they are. I usually just base it on how they behave in time out. I wait for the initial cries to die down, and if they behave well, i.e. they stay in time out, face the wall and are quiet they will only stay in there for a few minutes. If they kick up a stink, they stay there until they calm down.
Plan B:
If you are having a terrible time keeping them in time out or getting them to stay. You can step it up a notch, by warning to take away a cherished toy for an hour or til the end of the day. Or by moving them to a more isolated time out spot. I usually integrate this with “counting to 3.” (see below).
Note: This isn’t a common occurrence in our home, but it can happen. If you make the rules really clear and be consistent with your kids they will know when they have stepped out of line and not react in an uncontrollable way. (Hopefully!)
The Conversation:
After their time out is through, this is when the very important conversation happens.
What I normally do is approach them in a calm loving voice, get down to their level. Either by kneeling on the floor or sitting on a low stool and take them by the hands.
“Eddie, why did I send you to time out? What did you do?” Wait for a response (if they can’t talk just pause and continue)
“You took the clothes off the line didn’t you? Mummy/I told you not to take the clothes of the line. I told you to leave them alone or you would go to time out. You took them off and dropped them on the ground. You didn’t listen to Mummy/Me. That’s not good Eddie, that is a very silly/naughty thing to do. It is very important that you listen to Mummy/me.”
Note: It is very important to draw attention to the naughty/silly “thing” they did. I would never say naughty boy or naughty girl. This embeds into their identity. When you label your children they can unconsciously try to ‘fit’ that label. My husband and I do choose the label of “good girl/boy” some people may disagree with this. We figure if we are going to ’embed’ something into our children’s identity, it is going to be that they are good. Hopefully they will try live up to that.
This next line is optional.
“Now Eddie, you are a good boy. You are! (encouraging tone) That is why I don’t know why you did this? It is very strange. You are a good boy and goods boy listen to Mummy and they LEAVE the clothes alone. Do you understand?”
“Now can you please say ‘Sorry Mummy’?” – They have to say this! (if they can talk).
Now you hug them and say “Thank-you Eddie, I love you.” – this is the time for you to apologise if you let your frustrations get the better of you earlier.
“Now no more touching the clothes okay? Or you will have to go back to time out for twice as long. Thanks Eddie, Ok off you go…” (End with a positive happy tone)
If they are old enough, you could add some way of making amends. E.g. apologising to a sibling etc. Or in this case he could re-hang (to the best of his ability) the clothes he dropped.
I would encourage trying to move onto another activity to avoid this happening again. But if it does, it does, and you just have to play out the scenario again. Eventually they will learn to listen and time out will only be used occasionally.
Using 1, 2, 3
You can also integrate the old…
“I’m going to count to 3. If you don’t {insert request} by the time I count to 3, you will go to time out. 1, 2, 2 1/2, (pause) 3.”
I generally always do a slow count and include’ two-and-a-half’ to give them a little more time. I find this technique works really well and I use it in conjunction with time out. Do you best not to use this too much, for small requests. You don’t want to get in the bad habit of threatening them with time out when you could just be a little more patient. It will also lose its power and over all it can create a really negative vibe in your home.
Using Positive Reinforcement
The best and most effective thing you can do is use genuine encouragement and praise!
Time out has its place, but I believe it should be used sparingly. There are so many opportunities to use positive reinforcement.
Not so long ago we had the terrible problem of our twin girls taking their POOEY nappies off every morning! They are potty trained during the day but still wear nappies at night. They do not like wearing nappies. Hence, they would be eager to take them off in the morning! The little darlings would do their best to “clean up” the mess they had left on the carpet, with wipes, towels, what ever they could find. Needless to say it was a disaster! Smelly and not fun to clean up. Especially before rushing off to Mass on a Sunday.
Interestingly no amount of ‘punishment’ – taking away favourite toys, time outs etc would have an effect! Nothing would stop them from taking off those nappies each and every morning. Until…
We offered them a ‘chocolate button’ (cooking chocolate melts I happened to have in the cupboard). It worked like a dream!!
A chocolate button and a heaping of excited praise from Mum and Dad did the trick!! Not to mention make our household a much more positive place!
Now each and every day our two, 2 year old’s run into our bedroom in the morning exclaiming with excitement “leave-a-nappy on! Choc-ket bun!” (that’s how they say it). We repeat it back to them with excitement, clap our hands, cheer, pat them on the back and hug them. I don’t know whether it is the “choc-ket bun” or the praise that keeps them obeying, but at the end of the day we all feel a lot happier.
In saying all of this, that’s how things work at our place. It may not be the same for you. When factoring in all of the variables; boy, girl, age, temperament etc you realise there is not one way to parent your children.
If I can give you one tip; use your results as your guide. If you need to change your results, change your strategy. Adapt as much as you need to in order to raise those adults who will know the path to God.
Originally posted 2014-01-04 01:22:08.